The Lens of Loss: Perspectives of Family Members After Suicide Loss

When we think about the suicide of a loved one, we think of deep loss, grief, finding a way to endure in the midst of overwhelming pain. But we get something afterwards, almost as onerous. This is a new perspective: loss becomes the lens through which life is lived. And it can be difficult for many to see through the blur.

Close-up of a depressed senior man looking away in deep thought

For the three members of the Board of Directors of the Westchester Mental Health Association, as for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, that lens is always there. Their success in restoring clarity has been mixed.

The phone call 8.5 years ago that changed Sean Meyer’s life forever was no surprise. His brother Ryan suffered from multiple mental health problems for 20 years and attempted suicide three times. The difference this time was that he succeeded.

Mayer told his wife for years that he thought his brother would one day commit suicide. He spent those years preparing for this seeming inevitability.

And yet, when the call came in, Mayer, a longtime editor who prides himself on attention to detail, realized that no amount of preparation could have prepared him for this loss. It also failed to prepare him for the reality that loss—and the potential for loss—would become such a focus.

MGA Westchester

“My parents and their sanity became my only goal,” he said. “I needed to help them get through the pain that can’t go away, into a reimagined existence in which to live and even laugh. I didn’t have the time or energy to mourn my own grief. But I didn’t know any other way.”

After his brother’s death, Mayer single-handedly helped his parents—a nearby mother with increasing and worsening health problems, and a father living an isolated existence 1,300 miles away in Florida—to overcome the hurdles of aging. “For someone who suffers from their own depression and anxiety, this can be exhausting,” he said. “But what’s really draining is the fear that history might repeat itself.”

The eldest son Mayer, 16, suffers from an anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. He does very well at school, despite learning difficulties, he has a girlfriend and close friends. But he is prone to bouts of exhaustion and moodiness. Mayer said that he and his wife are rarely calm.

Meanwhile, Mayer’s identical twin sons, aged 13, are doing well in school – it would seem that no grade below 95 is acceptable, despite their parents’ protests to the contrary – and they are talented musicians, and both are already targeting Juilliard for admission to college. There will be countless auditions and the pressure and competition will increase. Mayer fears that they will burn – and then what?

“This lens of loss or potential loss is like a cataract – it clouds everything I see and do. But a cataract can be removed; this lens will stay with me forever. I long for just one day of unobstructed vision.”

Jeanette Fairhurst’s daughter, Ali, was 23 years old when she passed away, and the family’s only warning of expressed suicidal thoughts came once, five years earlier. Fairhurst, her husband and their son were together when they heard the news and bonded, taking Ali’s pets from her apartment. Fairhurst’s son was the first to openly talk about Ali’s suicide on social media. They decided to celebrate her life at her funeral, as well as talk about her occasional battle with depression.

Fairhurst knew she must continue to rejoice at her loss. “I will always be a mother to my son and to my dead daughter,” she said. “To be effective, I create space for life and mourning.”

There is no right way to grieve, and the Fairhursts respected their differences, trying to help each other and turning to professionals for help. Her husband and son were more self-centered, but as a scientist at heart, Fairhurst needed to learn and share her experiences to prevent similar outcomes. A few months later, she attended MHA Westchester’s first-ever public talk where Mayer moderated a panel on suicide prevention.

“Listening directly to those who have experienced family loss and those who have attempted suicide has been painful but very rewarding,” Fairhurst said. “There were recognizable elements that made me feel connected.”

Forming an association with MHA Westchester helped Fairhurst heal and provide a unique honor to her daughter by helping a vital organization. The “Sock-It-To-Stigma” prank brought a fun twist to fundraising and suicide awareness, and Fairhurst brought suicide prevention lessons from MHA Westchester to her workplace. The presentations inspired her to create the Regeneron Resilience Is Essential (RisE) employee resource group. What started as an exchange of resilience strategies has evolved into a discussion of mental health issues and combating the stigmatization of these issues at work. It was a pioneering outlet for the 600 group members to help each other and themselves.

Fairhurst shared that in order for joy and sorrow to coexist, she looks to others with great empathy. Often others feel ashamed for telling her about their “little problems”. But she believes that all problems are real and must be solved in order for healing to occur.

“The grief of a son or grandmother is no less important than the grief of a mother,” she said. “We need to find ways to live life to the fullest as a family, and at the same time allow ourselves to grieve individually or together in order to be better for each other.”

Yvonne Tropp has experienced many losses in her long life, including two husbands. But the suicide of one of her grandchildren, Nick, in 2018 presented her with a different challenge: to help Nick’s daughter and brother deal with the lasting effects of losing Nick, while preserving fond memories of him.

Nick grew up with Asperger’s. At the end of his senior year at a private high school, he spoke from the school chapel stage, telling everyone for the first time about the ups and downs of his life. He attended therapy sessions for many years. At the end of the speech, many students praised and hugged him, and then wished him good luck in college.

He was about to graduate from college in December 2018 when an unforeseen situation swept over him. He told his friends at the Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) that he planned to stay in his apartment after graduation and then start graduate school in September of that year. They told him that, as a college graduate, he would not be able to continue participating in RUF activities as it was student ministry on campus.

“He didn’t call his mom to let her know,” she said. “If he had, she would have advised him to take two more courses and graduate next June.” Instead, without interacting with her, he committed suicide on campus.

Tropp recalls that college staff were supportive and made her daughter and son-in-law smile a little. During the memorial service on campus, there were many students who spoke fondly of Nick. A few years later, a beautiful memorial space was built overlooking the water, engraved with Nick’s name, and his RUF friends left fond memories.

Tropp sees the consequences for the family. She knows that her daughter will never get over the loss of Nick, despite the support of her therapist. They still go to places that Tropp loves, places where they used to be very social. But her daughter is now not very eager to communicate, and this limits their interaction with others. Meanwhile, Nick’s brother was very close to him and doesn’t want to talk about his loss. Tropp said he was very upset and misses his brother a lot.

However, Tropp enjoys the time he spends with his daughter and grandson. She tries to make them smile more than cry.

Tropp knows that her grandson is smiling and she is smiling at him. She decided to share what Helen Keller once wrote about making memories: “What we once enjoyed and loved deeply, we will never lose, because everything we love deeply becomes part of us.”

Jeanette Fairhurst, Sean Meyer and Yvonne Tropp-Epstein are members of the MHA Westchester Board of Directors.

Content Source

California Press News – Latest News:
Los Angeles Local News || Bay Area Local News || California News || Lifestyle News || National news || Travel News || Health News

Related Articles

Back to top button